Abandoning

Singing to the walls of my empty room
I find myself trying to relearn what I never could do.

For lack of any other way to go
the time draws near when I will have to brace myself
and without a sigh that could be heard
begin the bitter life of the one who has given up.

Not a sound, not a whimper,
not a crack in the worn disguise,
nothing that could wake up the sleeping betrayed.

The time draws near in which I abandon.

And

and the mess
and the want
and the need
and the noise
and the urge
and the rage
and the sadness
and the anxiety
and the boredom
and the bitterness
and the revenge
and the escape
and the guilt
and the laughter
and the feeling
and the shivering
and the kiss
and the wine
and the warmth
and the photo
and the space
and the distance
and the laptop
and the melancholy
and the screaming
and the abandoning
and the want-need-want-need-want-need-need-need-need-NEED!

and all of it tumbles through me. I NEED. Where are you? Where did you go? When did I lose you?

and it's all a failure.

Shiver

My skin feels foreign.

Wish I could take it off and step into that of a stranger.

And so let my acts go unnoticed, as they would leave traces on a stranger's skin.

As I think of her my hands shiver
Is it longing or fear?
Is it fear of her or myself?
Does it matter?
Can we hold? Can we not?

Rain

As I turn off my motorbike
I look for your face through the window.

Dimly illuminated by your laptop screen,
it is there.

Of course, you said you'd wait for me,
you said you'd be there.

And when I come in and sit in front of you,
(because next to you is just too much for me to handle)
you'll look at me and say hi.

And I will say that it is rain on my face,
and I will think that no, it can't be anything else,
that thinking about the day when you will not wait for me at some cafe,
and I will not see your tired smile as you look at me away from your laptop,
and that I will ride through the rain to something else...

No, thinking about that couldn't have anything to do with this.

It has to be rain.

Time

Little details get my mind started,
A name on my agenda, that should have long been deleted,
and suddenly your skin, your voice, your lips, your witty sense of humor...

It's all still here, it's all still in my head.

A version of you that doesn't exist anymore, a you that should have long been forgotten,
a thousand moments that should have long been gone...

They say time heals everything.
Well, years have gone by, and obviously,

Time is overrated.

Stable

Changes are coming.
Looming in the next weeks, next months... I see them.
The easiest option is flowing with them.
In the midst of all these changes, the inaction keeps me... stable.

Or, you could say, dull.

Dripping

The future slowly drips into the present.
Six day-sized drops further, and the color of my life is much duller already.
My mouth feels dry, as my words must travel a much longer distance
not in a practical way, but surely spiritual.
My river of emotions has gone to dry up by the shore.
I wish I could see the waves.

Unsaid

I look at you.
I feel the clock ticking.
I act clumsy, I say superficial things.
I feel the air around me, as if it also is expecting.
I search my mind for the perfect words.
I feel my blood flowing, humming the passage of time.
I give up.

I would have said a thousand words more, and still, it would not have been enough.

So that that can not be described, that that is too big for human words, that that has had me floating in a storm like the dead leaf of a weak tree, that that has turned me into a clumsy superficial fool when I look at you...

That has remained unsaid.

Plan

I didn't really plan it. I didn't go looking for it.

It seems it has found me anyway.

I don't know how I could have expected to spend the rest of my life not finding myself.

Dance

She is dancing.

She seems careless, happy, unconcerned.

She is dancing. I am watching.

And while my feet are clamped by concrete, she dances my heart to pieces.

Today

Today... today I'm crying inside.

Taming the heart is always a sad business.

Museum / Wish / Child / So / Door

Museum
Someday:
"... and here on the right you can see him as he was around that time."
"Really?! So small and pathetic? He couldn't be like that!"
"Well, yes, I know it's hard to believe, but remember that here we only show his true form."
"mommy, mommy, he looks U-G-L-Y!"
"I know, I know, don't look now, this isn't really him"
"Sorry, I should have been more clear with my warnings. It is indeed a difficult sight... But let's move on, his life was not over yet, as we'll see in the next part of the exhibition..."


Wish
Today I have finally realized what I would wish if I could have everything I could desire:

I want to live both sides of all the maybes in my life.

So, there. If someone has the spell, the black magic, the miracle-making ingredients, please share.
When you want everything, it's by definition impossible to have, so nothing short of supernatural could possibly suffice.


Child
Let's make a deal, you and me. Let me be a child, let me live without regrets, let me act as if there wasn't anything but the here and now. Let me taste the rain and jump with both feet in the mud, and get out of it with nothing but a smile.
Let me not be an adult for a day, only a day.
But, yes, I know, one day would not be enough... but it would still be more than nothing.


So
The mirror just shows me so.
While I am dual and imperfect, the mirror doesn't see it.
I wish I was that lucky.


Door
Ok, here I am. Which way now?

There, to the right, open that door.

That one? Oh, I hadn't seen it, it's quite small.

It's just as big as it needs to be.

You know, I could have missed it.

Impossible, it was there just for you. You were meant to find it and go through it.

If you say so... anyway, I'm in. What now?

Over there, at the end. See that part? It beats harder and it's more sensitive than the rest.

Yes, I see it. How much should I cut off?

Up to you, I know you'll take all that you want. Which is exactly as much as you are meant to take.

But it will hurt when I do it, won't it?

Yes, it's unavoidable.

Should I still do it, then?

You are already inside, you were even before we knew it.

What if it doesn't stop bleeding?

... you shouldn't be there to see it. It will heal.

... there, done, I have it.

Turn around, go out, go far.

I'll try... It's already started, I can see it.

... I... know. But I'll be ok.

Are you sure?

I have to be. Take good care of it, though it will eventually die.

Die?

Die, or be forgotten. It's all really just the same.

I see.

I knew you would.

Shed

As I walk on along my path, it leads me under the waterfall of time.
Not having any option but to move forward, I feel the drops disentangle my appearance.
Out on the other side I emerge, my face new, my resemblance changed.
For a while I wonder at my appearance.

Is this me? Have I really grown?

Looking back through the waters of memory, I find my younger me staring back at me.
And the truth is hard and painful, as it always is:
The skin is shed, the imago changes.
I take on new places, I put on new masks.
And I hope, as hard as it can ever be hoped, that I will someday grow up, beyond the old - but young - skin I left behind.

I'm just scared of being too small inside.